music-for-life-911's soup

I've been thinking about HIM a lot more this past week. I dunno if it is because the high school will soon be done...for good, this time or if I really miss him or if I'm just sad coz it didn't really work out, but, yeah. I am sad. I just don't really know why. So I've been thinking of the reasons why HE and I can't make it work (if we really tried to anyway) and these are the reasons I keep telling myself:

1) We're too similar.

I know, I know...how ironic, right? Lots of couples split coz they're too "different" and I don't see the two of us together because we're too similar? What is the universe tryin' to tell me? Read on for more of my thoughts on this reason.

So I think? Do I have to change? But I think we BOTH have to change coz it shouldn't be just me,the only one, making it work.

2) He's kinda shy about being public about it...and so am I.

I don't really like public displays of affection. Okay, not that I hate it...I actually secretly really love it. I'm just shy...okay, really really REALLY shy. And he is too. And his current girlfriend, Stupid Pout, I hear, is complaining about it. And he doesn't like to communicate. If I were in a relationship, I want the two of us communicating. Problem is, I also don't think I could do that. Like I said, I have trust issues and I don't like talking to much about my weaknesses and problems.

3) We are afraid of making mistakes.

We're both cowards. There. So if he doesn't have the balls to tell me what he feels (if he does have "feelings" for me), I'm not sure I want that.

4) We both have our pride.

The ultimate relationship killer.

5) We don't like looking weak in from of other people.

I think we both have trust issues...maybe I watch too much TV and movies and I think both of us just see what happens to other people. You break the barrier, that protective shield you have and let others in...and somehow, it just doesn't always work out. At this stage in our lives, there's a very slim chance of it ever working out.

6) We're both an only child.

So somehow we can understand each other. But I feel sorry for our kid (if we ended up together). He/She/They would have no real cousins. I know, we have our cousins...but still...

7) We're both "financially blessed".

And there goes people's expectations. Your both rich, both only children, both overprotected, you two should be together.

8) We're both selfish, self-centered people.

It's freaky...it's almost like we're twins. (hmmmm....maybe we are) I hate my dad so much and his dad is just so amazing...I've always wished he were my dad instead.

9) I think he wants kids...I'm not sure if I do.

I saw him with a kid at his dad's funeral. He was just being adorable with her...playing with her, letting her sit on his lap...it made my heart melt, and inside...I was smiling and sooo happy. But then a thought occured to me...he might want kids. Not sure if he does and if he doesn't...there's a possibility that in the future, he might want them. But me? I'm not sure...I've been thinking about it a lot. Sometimes, I think maybe I do....or at least when I see my child, he/she will grow on me and eventually, I'll love it. But for the most times, I'm being my selfish, self-centered self wherein I want to put ME before others. I just want so many things in life and I'm scared I might give it up coz of kids.

Oh, and did I mention I am absolutely absolutely ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY MOTHERFUCKING scared of giving birth? Just the thought of the something so big would pass through my lady parts or they cut my you-know-what open....it just too.....okay, moving on......

10) The one who loves me is HIS MOM...not HIM (at least, he's not admitting it to me)

Yeah...um, no. I have to be sure you also like me too. It may sound selfish as all of his girlfriends (past and current) and all other "crushers" pray for her seal of approval and I get annoyed by their shameless plugging and efforts, but still....

Am I being too selfish? I mean, I am throwing away the (possibly) biggest requirement for US to work. And not just his mom...probably all the other women in the world would want their (possible or current) mother-in-laws to love them. But as such, the weirdo in me will most likely throw it away. Ah, what a bitch I am.



FINAL WORDS (for the night):

I'm such a hypocrite. I expect a guy (not just him) to have certain qualities, even when I can't even do it myself. Mental note: Must change (for the better).

I like him. I even went as far as to thinking that I may have loved him (and maybe, still do..I dunno). But that's it. We don't have the real strong qualities of a great foundation of a strong lasting loving committed relationship. We look good together, we're accustomed to the similar lifestyles, some people want us to be together...but that's it. And I do have my pride. I'm not gonna chase a guy shamelessly. And for the love of God, I'm gonna stress it out if it still hasn't been drilled into my subconscience: I have my DIGNITY. And I don't wanna waste anymore time, thought, and effort for him anymore. I don't wanna. But sometimes, I just can't help it. But it's not as strong as before anymore. And a part of me is happy about that. But there's also a part of me that sad about it and missing those times when I actually look forward to going to school just to see him. But those times are over now. And I just gotta accept that. My brain has. I'm not sure if my heart is (or can, or will ever will).

They say your special someone should complement you, not be compatible with you. But I want both. Like some spoiled, ever so bratty girl who wants everything in life. I wonder if the guy I'm thinking of ever exists. I'll do a separate post on what I'm looking for and what I want in Mr. Right (if I don't get too lazy or forget about it...as I always do...LOL)

God help me...I put everything in your hands. And for Pete's sake, just give me the damn closure already so I can get "THIS" over with.

I know, I know. We've all heard about that B.S. about learning to love who you are and what you look like, it's what's inside that counts, yada yada yada. But come on! I know everyone has something (or somethings) that they don't like about them. Here's mine (rather, what I can think of now):

1) My skin

ohmygod! This should obv. be at the top of my list. I have horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE skin (thank you so much, dad!). Ugh...I'm spending so much right now on acne products and make-up just so that I can build up my self-esteem. I feel so embarassed about my uneven skintone and even more about my acne. Grrrr....I just lose my self-esteem when I'm around with my cousins who are wonderful skin. And I feel even more depressed when I look at magazines and those celebs with their perfect skin (I know, they're photoshopped, but even when I look at some pre-photoshopped photos, their skin is awesome). *sigh*

2) My height

How is it possible that at my age, I am 5'2" while I have a 12 year old cousin who is 5'5 1/2"?! Huh?! Is this some nature's trick on me?! I mean, come on! I just feel so insecure when I'm around tall people and I keep wanting to spend on stilletos.

3) My hair

My hair is quite different. Yeah, it's thick and if styled by a professional, it's one of their pleasures working with. But styling it myself is hell. It takes waaay too long to grow, I have dandruff, it's quite dull and not so smooth, if I say so myself and I just really really hate it. Right now, I'm saving up so I can afford those expensive haircuts wherein they style your hair according to your face shape (which, until now, I'm still not sure of). Oh, and my lashes are so stick straight, you'd think I had them straightened. This of course, makes eye makeup a hell. A minutes after I curl my lashes, it gets straight again. Soooo annoying!!! And I have a moustache.

4) My voice

Why is it that when I speak, the voice I'm hearing is different to what other people are hearing. The voice I'm hearing is pretty okay to me, but when I hear my voice when it is recorded, it sounds so strange, so high,...and pretty gay (and really annoying). I mean, do I really sound like that?! Gawd, how can people stand my voice when I can barely stand it. Props to them.

5) My teeth

I have yellow teeth, but my main issue here is my front teeth. They're kinda big and the surrounding teeth is kinda small so it makes it look uneven (even though I wore braces before). They make me look like Bugs Bunny. It's pretty annoying, especially when I see my smile in photos.

Can't really think of anything else right now. Love your body. Ummm...I think I'll pass....for now ;)

I'm not your ordinary girl. I will get what I want so if you don't want to get hurt, you better get out of my way coz I will hurt you. Got it?

Dear Buddyboy,

     It's been on my mind for a coupla weeks now and I thought I better seal it with a letter. I know you won't probably ever read this, but still, it's gonna make me feel better writing to you about it. Almost ten months ago, I opened up my heart to you. I never ever thought that it would be possible for me, but it did. It started with our former teacher telling me that I was your parents' favorite and their choice for you. Of course I'm flattered, but I tried to hide it, obviously! You were with Slutty Tramp Whore and everyone was shocked and hated the two of you together. Even I had to admit, I thought you had super high standards and was very disappointed in you. We all thought that your women would be very smart, beautiful, rich, and RESPECTABLE. Obviously, she's not those. So I plotted to break the two of you up. I didn't have to do much as your parents hated Slutty Tramp Whore anyway. Well, your mom despised her, but your dad, well, he supports whatever makes you happy. I admire that in him.

      So months passed and you were single again. Many girls are starting and restarting their crushes on you. A rich hot guy back on the market? Oh yeah. Of course I'm happy, yet somehow, I never got the courage to actually even start a friendship with you. And that's been a BIG prob, right from the start. And from these, I learned, I lacked courage. I know it's in me...I could do it. I imagined myself doing it a million times. Yet, I was still a coward.

     Sometimes in class, I would notice you looking at me and when our eyes meet, you look away. I also can't maintain the stare. I guess we were both cowards. You were always a shy type...now I know that's not exactly what I'm looking for in guy. I'd love a guy who is ready to shout to the world how much he loves me...and you were not that guy.

     So rumors started that there was something goin' on with you and Crushing Friend. I tried to verify this and was super happy that you didn't feel the same for her. She's just some lunatic who's super crushing on you. You were actually pissed off that she would actually think you like her...lolz.
 
     A few months later, one of our classmates Long-Haired Lesbian Wannabe started this Facebook page of you and Stupid Pout. Not sure if it's because rumors were you had a crush on Stupid Pout or if it was just a joke (maybe both). Of course I was hurt...I was trying to plan on how to get closer to you and here's another obstacle. Seriously!!! But as they say third time's the charm. It developed into something more serious for the two of you and she dumped her boyfriend for you. I was really hurt. I just wouldn't accept you two at first. Some of our classmates kept saying that you weren't compatible relationship-wise coz you're kinda short term and she's like long-term (coming from a long-term relationship with a sweet boyfriend who loves her and whose heart was crushed by her). I tried to stay positive but I guess I just kept myself in denial and it's only hurting me.

     Whenever I see the two of you together, I feel like a part of me is crumbling apart. But the last straw was when you went on a public "mini-date" in KFC on one of the bad days I'm having. When I saw the two of you together in a small table, just the two of you...talking like the world is not there, it was the last straw. I was so miserable. I felt like crying inside. I tried to fight my tears. I was miserable the whole day and the next day (Christmas Party in school). BAD TIMING!!!

    A few days later, I reflected on my life. And I decided to end this thing I have with you. Why? Because while loving you is one of the best things that happened to me, just me fighting for it made me so miserable. I was a coward, and you are even a bigger one. I think a part of me knew from the start that this wouldn't work. But I didn't regret it. I was a learning experience for me. Somehow, I have an idea of what I like in guys in the future. And hopefully I can find Mr. Right. I'm not totally closing my door on you forever. If we are meant to be, we will be. But for now, I think it has to stop. It's a lot harder for me. Whenever I'm in school, all I think about is you. I guess I stopped looking out for me. I have to admit, I tried to study the guitar for you. I think it's time that I do thing FOR ME and not because I want to impress you. I also think that my attitude isn't the one you can handle. See, I like fashion and clothes and celebrities. I'm vain, I'm selfish, I'm cruel. Somehow, I think you wouldn't be able to handle me.

     Yesterday, when our classmates came over for a meeting for a project, they brought up your name. And I was honestly ANNOYED. I don't know. It's a good sign. A sign that I'm actually trying to move on from you. I don't want you ruling over me anymore. Now that I've actually proved that it's possible for a guy to do that, I want it to stop. I can't base my happiness on you anymore. I need to be happy for me and natural reasons especially now that the school year is ending and we might not see each other anymore.

    You might be with Stupid Pout now, but that doesn't mean I'm giving her my blessing. I still think I'm a better girlfriend/wife to you than she'll ever be...but I know that I don't want to anymore. I keep hearing she's terrified of your mom and she's looking for ways to impress her. I get that she knows I'm your mom's favorite (I made sure of that when I "casually mentioned" that your mom got me a Christmas gift (she gave me, just me, a gift: a Victoria's Secret Love Potion lotion...ewww! anyway, it's the thought that counts)...hehe). I'm so evil. Haha, good luck with that Stupid Pout. God knows how high her standards are and how hard it is to be on her good side. Good thing I've been her fave (even though I didn't know for the longest time and I was almost the last to know).

    So, um, good luck in 2011. Here's to hoping the best to you, to me, and to us and our families. I'd really like to focus on myself for a while. I'm looking forward to a bigger (taller, not fatter), brighter (smarter AND whiter...hehe!), and better (in all aspects, 'kay?) me. A Buddyboy-lovin' free ME.


Good bye, Buddyboy. This is the end.








You know that I will always love you.xx.

It's been almost 8 months now since I've rekindled my feelings for you. And now, I have to do something. This time, I actually have a chance with you. Throw in Pout Whore, and I'm in the battlefield. There are several times you were flirty with me, so the question is: do you like me too?

OMG. OMG. OMG. *gasps then squeals*

I think I'm going to restart my prayer that grants wishes. All I ask for right now is you. Pretty please God? It would make the best birthday-slash-Christmas present. No matter how many rumors or hurtful things I hear and happen around us, I still can't stop loving you. Does it scare me? A little, yeah. Okay, a lot. What if I can't fully give my heart to someone else IF in case we don't work out. Right now, I don't care. Because I feel so happy loving you. I feels so happy that you are the one who is filling my heart with joy and the most wonderful feelings I've never experienced before.

I chose you. I gave my heart to you. You are my first love. And they say first love never dies. It scares the hell out of me but at the same time, I couldn't care less.

I love you Buddyboy. I just hope that you love me too. I've been having fantasies since I was young that we'll end up together and married. I really hope this comes true. Because it is you I want, no one else.

I'm in love. I am so in love. I can't deny it anymore. I can only confirm it. It's been what, almost 6 years?! I can believe that several years ago, you've been in my mind and I never would have thought that after all these years, you'd still be in my heart. Now, you have a special place in my heart. No matter what happens, if we do end up together or not, I will always love you.

You see, you are my first love. They say that your first love is the strongest, the most intense, and the most unforgettable. It's argurably the one that made the greatest impact on your heart and no matter how many relationships you will have, you will always base it on your first love. Some say that you never stop loving your first love. And that scares me a lot. But when I realize that you're my first love...I dunno. I'm not afraid. I'm just so happy. I learned that when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm the serious type. I think about the future, marriage, and family ASAP. That's why I don't think flings will ever work for me.

What does scare me is that I sometimes think about other guys...hey, don't get me wrong. I love you and all, but since we're not a couple yet and you barely look/pay attention to me, I can't help but look for the love and attention from other guys. But somehow, I just can't find it. Some minor lust, yes, but the kind of thrill, longing, and affection that I feel for you, I can't find it. It's just you. And that's how I know that this is different and very real. It sounds sooo corny but it's true.

I honestly have no idea if we will end up together or at least have a serious relationship. Many people around us say that we are a good match and that they can see us together. A psychic even kinda hinted that we MIGHT have a relationship and that you may even make a move in the future. That makes me happy. You know why? Because even if I keep denying my true feelings for you, I can't help but long for your affection. I do want to break away from this mask I'm hiding behind. But I want to do it with you. Together, the two of us. I know it is also very hard for you as it is hard for me. But sorry, I'm kinda old-fashioned so I think that I shouldn't make the first move....you should.

I really want to start something special with you, not because of your wealth, the popularity it would bring me, and all the artificial stuff like that. Because I know that if it doesn't happen, this is going to be one of the biggests regrets I'm gonna have in my entire life and that it's gonna be hard for me to move on. There's a possibility that you may not be "the one" for me but right now, it's really hard for me to picture walking down the aisle and having kids (yup, you're the only guy I ever reconsidered and considered having kids with if you want kids....you're that special to me) with another guy...but with you, it's like I'm willing to do anything for you.

I love you, Buddyboy. I just hope that even in my silence, you can feel and appreciate, and even reciprocate my love.

I am so sorry Buddyboy. I love you. I really want to. But most of the time, you're making it so hard for me. When I try to reach out to you, you just push me away. I guess it's one of those traits that we share. I do that to most people too...but not to you, not anymore. I'm sorry I said some very hurtful words about you in front of my classmates today. I'm so sorry. I guess a part of me really enjoys ruining Slutty Tramp Whore's name and basking in other people's hatred of her. I'm trying to understand why you even liked her, I really do. I can't see it. The only sensible explanation I can think of is because she's so easy to get. I know she's just your experiment, but I hope that what you're saying is true. Please Buddyboy...don't waste your life. Think of your dad and your mom. Listen to her. Have mercy on him.

I can't say I totally blame myself when I say harsh things about you. I guess I'm just hurt. Hurt that you would actually do that. I still can't believe it until now.

I don't really know what else to do right now but all I know is, if we're meant to be together or at least given a chance, the time and place will come as it should. I've already done my part. Maybe I should wait for you and God to do your parts. I'm trying to force myself to like you. I have to say, I'm having a harder time than before.

All I can say is, no matter what happens, I will still treat you like a brother. I will still respect your mom and honor your dad. He will forever be my dream dad. He has changed my life in his simple ways. RIP to him...

Just got home from school. Saw you there and I can't help stealing glances at you. There's just something about you that's so irresistible, with your powerful features, you look so big and strong to me. I like big guys:D Sometimes, I wonder what your abs look like? Do you even have a tight six-pack? Or are you just flabby? Coz I can't tell when you're wearing so many clothes all the time. How I wish I'd been to our class outing 2 years ago so I can your body in all its glory. *sighs* What a big mistake of me not to go! I'm gonna make sure that we have a class outing this year and I'll make sure that we have it in your resort so that Slutty Tramp Whore (yes, an additional name that truly matches what she is!) can't go coz your mom's most likely to be there and they aren't exactly best of friends *evil laugh*

I wonder when we'll get to spend a moment together. A genuine moment, just the two of us...(God, if you're listening, hear my wish). It's really hard to keep in inside. I just want to tell someone, even just one person, so badly but I know I can't, I won't...because of my pride. And that's why I'm hurting inside...alone...so Buddyboy, please, hear me. Coz I don't wanna suffer anymore. Take away the suffering. I can be your friend too, hopefully, more than that but we all know that the best relationships also has to have great friendships as foundations.

Just so you know, I'm still here. If you need anything, you can count on me. I know your mom does. I'm still trying to look for a good message to text her, ass-kissing style. I'll Google it later.

I know I have so many problems right now, but in my fantasies, I imagine hitting two birds with one stone. What if you and I would split up the cost of a condo (preferably Serendra or Newport City) and live together....:) I know it's almost impossible but it always makes me smile when I think about it. Your parents like me for you anyway and my parents would be happy I chose a financially stable, smart, handsome, career-driven, and also an only child husband (who people will think we're super compatible for each other coz we understand each other growing up with no siblings).

I have so many dreams and even when I was young, I imagined that I would end up marrying you. I just never thought then (when I will be graduating elementary) that in the future (when I will graduate high school) that I would have the same dreams that you will end up with me...I guess that's one proof that I never stopped loving you after all these years.

I wonder what you think of me? Do you think of me as much as I think of you? I've changed a lot you know...I'm not the same person as I was a few years back. I'm also a lot more mature and at the same time fun and open to others so I hope you can see this. Coz not only do I want to learn more about you, I want you to learn more about me too.

I am and will always be here for you. @dream Dad aka Buddyboy's Dad, I will always love and care your son, no matter what. He's my first love and I don't think I will ever forget him. He has changed me in ways that I will never be the same again. RIP Dream Dad...it has caused me great grief to see you go so early and in such a violent way. I miss you. I may not be able to know more about you that much but at least now, you will be able to know more about me. I can talk to you now. You will see me in the most honest way (it's not like I can hide anything from you). I hope that you didn't regret choosing me for your son...and I will strive hard to keep it that way.

Yay! Just got my first ever blog running. No one can read it though, which is perfect. I'm currently talking to Crazy Bitch about Slutty Tramp and her obsession and delusions about her so-called "love" with Buddyboy aka my love. Slutty Tramp is so freakin' annoying. I just wanna slap and beat her so she would shut her trap. Gawd, can't take a hint, bitch?

You are O-V-E-R. Done. Finished. Been there, done that. A thing of the past. You will never be together again. And for the respect of Buddyboy's dad's big dreams for his son, stay away from Buddyboy. He's mine. *evil laughs*

I don't know and I can't understand what he ever saw in you. Maybe you're just a fling. An experiment. That's what I heard.

Honestly, I will say that it has been a great disappointment. Almost 4 years ago, when I had a crush on Buddyboy, my friends and I can't stop talking about how lucky his girlfriend/s will be, considering how at that time, we thought that he had high standards of girls and how his girlfriend will not be an ordinary girl, she will be beautiful, smart, and worthy of him. And when I found out that he was flirting with Slutty Tramp and rumored to be very close to being a couple, I was shocked and I couldn't believe it. I was disappointed, both with the situation and with Buddyboy (how could you do this?! you have everything!!! Don't throw it away!!!). But most of all, I was hurt. Since Buddyboy is my first love (still is!), I can't help but somehow look out for him. Even if there might be a chance that we are not meant for each other, I still want him to have a good future and a girl worthy of him. I sometimes also think of him as my brother (I'll get to that in a future post).

Lingering feelings for Buddyboy exploded again when I found out about him and Slutty Tramp (I immediately plotted to break them up, at first, just to break them up but later on, I wanted Buddyboy to love me) and when I found out from my former adviser, Daddy Moriel that I was their first and top choice for Buddyboy. I was very flattered of course, but I tried to hide it and just kept making gross comments and facial expressions.

I guess the reason that I can't tell anyone about my feelings about Buddyboy and even, open up a bit to Buddyboy about my true feelings is that I'm afraid of rejection. of embarassment. I'm afraid to get hurt. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it and focus on schoo at the same time. I don't want to throw away what I've worked so hard for so many years. I haven't really focused much on matters of the heart before, mostly just on my studies and career (that's what I also show to others, that I'm a career girl) but somehow, now that I'm about to graduate from High School, I'm thinking that this may be the last chance for me to do something just for my heart, to have something I've never had before, to have this genuine and special connection to a guy. I think it's time for me to take a leap. I don't want to look back to the past and think about how I had a chance and didn't take it. I don't wanna think about what could've been. I want to remember that I tried. It was okay 4 years ago when we were still little kids, but now, I think we're old enough for this kind of stuff.

So yeah, I think I love you. I think I never stopped loving you, it's just that now, it's stronger than before. More serious, less of a crush because you're cute, rich, smart, and loved by all, but because of those little things that make you Buddyboy. It scares me that I feel this way especially when our time together could be over and this may be the last time we will see each other but I know I have to try. This is very different from what I have ever done before. So I made this private blog to chronicle what I feel and want so I won't go crazy keeping it inside. I know I talk to Buddyboy's late dad, but it still helps that one day, I can go back and see what I had been doing a few years back.

It's a start of a journey, one I've never taken before. I'm really new at this, no matter what I make others believe. Good luck to me, God help and bless me.